I’m obsessed with you: Variants of ‘favorite persons’ in borderline personality, autism, narcissism, and psychopathy

The concept of a ‘favorite person’ has become a popular topic in the online discussion of psychiatric disorders, however, there has been insufficient differentiation of the characteristics of favorite persons that differ in their underlying cause. In this paper, I define and differentiate the types of ‘favorite persons’ that occur in borderline personality, autism, narcissism, and psychopathy.

Borderline Personality & Autism

Borderline personality disorder and autism may appear to overlap in some characteristics at the surface level, which has been taken by some as indicating causal overlap between the disorders (e.g., Dudas et al. 2017), however biological systems can be perturbed in different or opposite ways which may lead to symptoms which appear similar on the surface, and may be mistaken as indication of causal overlap if not carefully examined (Crespi 2020), for example hypokalemia and hyperkalemia which tend to have very similar symptoms and complications (Hollander-Rodriguez et al. 2006)(Marti et al. 2014). There is a large body of evidence suggesting that borderline personality and autism, at least partially involve opposite dysfunctions (Dinsdale et al. 2016)(Del Giudice 2014). Intense and ‘obsessive’ attachment to romantic partners or friends & family members is a characteristic in borderline personality (Jeong et al. 2022) and autism (Stokes et al. 2007). However, I argue that the differentiation of these attachments lies in their rigidity and consistency of perception towards the favorite person, in such a way that persons with borderline personality disorder can attach intensely to someone but quickly redirect this attachment onto a different person, whereas in autism the attachment is persistent and unrelenting; additionally, borderline attachments should be characterized by idealization and devaluation, whereas autistic attachments should be characterized by consistent idealization. Persons with borderline personality disorder show reduced long term mating orientation, increased short term mating orientation (Jonason et al. 2018), increased number of sexual partners (Sansone et al. 2012), and shorter relationship durations (Lazarus et al. 2020)(Labonte & Paris 1993). On the other hand, autism is associated with increased long term mating orientation, reduced short term mating orientation (Del Giudice et al. 2010), a smaller number of sexual partners (Del Giudice et al. 2014), and longer relationship durations (Jobe & White 2007). These opposing findings point to a difference in the characteristics of borderline and autistic attachment: while both intense and obsessive, the favorite person of a borderline can easily switch to another person dependent on external factors, whereas the favorite person of someone with autism is persistent and can not readily switch to somebody else and may persist in spite of external factors. Quickly attaching to another person after a close relationship ends is shown to be associated with borderline personality disorder (Nestadt et al. 2006), and higher persistence in pursuing partners is shown to be associated with autism, sometimes leading to stalking (Stokes et al. 2007), supporting this distinction of favorite persons in BPD and autism. Persons with borderline personality disorder tend to be hypersensitive to social cues, and idealization and devaluation may follow as responses to social cues, in such a way that an individual with BPD may switch to heavily distrusting or disliking their favorite person in response to external cues, and possibly end a close relationship because of this (Crespi & Dinsdale 2013). In contrast, autism is associated with reduced sensitivity to social cues (Dinsdale et al. 2016), and persons with autism may engage in pursuit of relationships that is inappropriate or undesired and unresponsive to social cues of this (Stokes et al. 2007) - persons with BPD may also engage in pursuing behaviors that are undesired, however this pursuit is likely highly responsive to social cues and shifting between extreme pursuit and withdrawal of pursuit, as supported by borderline traits being associated with unwanted pursuit of ex partners, and avoidance/withdrawal from partners as a relationship dissolution strategy (Tan et al. 2022).

Narcissism

I suggest that narcissists may have obsessional relationships to people, similar to a ‘favorite person’, however in contrast with BPD and autism, favorite persons in narcissism are motivated by a mix of admiration and jealousy, where the favorite person is the perceived ideal for what the narcissist wishes to be, and results in behaviors such as obsessive attention toward them, direct competition with them, and emotions of envy and insecurity related to the favorite person. Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are associated with celebrity worship and attachment to celebrities (Greenwood et al. 2018)(Ashe et al. 2005), and narcissism & celebrity worship both relate to desire for fame (Greenwood et al. 2018). Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by competitiveness, comparison of one’s self to others, and desire to have the traits of people they are jealous of (Cloudfindings 2022)(Bogart et al. 2010), and vulnerable narcissism predicts stalking behavior (Menard & Pincus 2012)(Wheatley & Conway 2023), and stalking behavior in vulnerable narcissism relates to insecurity and envy (Wheatley & Conway 2023). Individuals high in narcissism are shown to imitate the behavior of people they perceive as high status, as well as avoid imitation of people who are low status (Ashton-James & Levordashka 2013). People high in vulnerable narcissism experience envy resulting in hostility to perceived rivals (Neufeld & Johnson 2015). Overall, these lines of evidence come together pointing to narcissists having obsessional relationships with others, that are characterized by viewing the target of the obsession as superior in desirable traits or status, characterized by mimicry of and desire for attention from these targets as well as competition and hostility towards the targets, driven by the mix of admiration and envy towards the target. These targets may sometimes be intimate partners, as people high in narcissism tend to seek out high status partners with ideal and desirable traits (Tajmirriyahi et al. 2021)(Cloudfindings 2022). 

Psychopathy 

I argue that primary psychopathy is associated with obsessional behavior towards specific individuals, and that this obsessional behavior is motivated by perceptions of the target as weak and stupid, and is characterized by sadism, stalking, and control. Primary psychopathy, especially the empathetic deficit domain is associated with stalking behavior (Storey et al. 2008). People who engage in bullying are characterized by high levels of primary psychopathy (Fanti & Kimonis 2013), and bullying is characterized by obsessional harassment of victims, like stalking (McCann 2006). Bullying victims are more often characterized by secondary psychopathy (Fanti & Kimonis 2013), which is associated with social submissiveness and vulnerability whereas primary psychopathy is associated with social dominance and lower victimization (Morrison & Gilbert 2010)(Fanti & Kimonis 2013). Obsessiveness as well as persistence in stalking perpetrators is strongly associated with primary psychopathy (Storey et al. 2008). Primary psychopathy is associated with targeting victims that are neurotic or vulnerable (Storey et al. 2008), and targets of bullying are more likely to be lonely (Brighi et al. 2014)(Morgan et al. 2023), and have substance use problems (Morgan et al. 2023). Primary psychopaths see themselves as superior to others (Yildirim & Derksen 2015), and believe that superior groups should dominate inferior groups (Glenn et al. 2017), as well as perceiving others as generally inferior and weak (Brankley & Rune 2014), and are more likely to dehumanize others (Takamatsu 2019). Primary psychopaths also tend to blame victims of rape (Watts et al. 2017), and psychopathic bullies tend to believe that their victims are inferior and deserve their bullying for being weak and inferior (Wiklund et al. 2014), as well as believing that they deserve control over others. Primary psychopaths have a high desire for control over others, and actively seek to control others (Palmen et al. 2021), and this need for control is often manifested as abuse in relationships (Romero et al. 2013). Overall, this evidence points to primary psychopaths having obsessive relationships to people that they perceive as weak, inferior, and deserving of being dominated, characterized by persistent harassment, sadistic victimization, and controlling behavior. These obsessive relationships need not be characterized by only sadism and victimization, and may include intimate partners (Romero et al. 2013), and primary psychopaths may engage in non-sadistic intimate and relational behavior with their targets in addition to sadistic behavior (Kaiser 2017). 

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